


Virgins & Non-believers

by wisia



Series: Wisia's Avenger Drabbles [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Gen, Gen Work, Humor, Rituals, Tony Stark Hates Magic, Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 01:52:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2006481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wisia/pseuds/wisia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony doesn’t believe in magic. And what do you mean that makes him a virgin?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Virgins & Non-believers

**Author's Note:**

> Based off that thing about virgin blood being pure and not having been used in magical rituals before. Let’s hope I got the other characters’ voices okay since I haven’t really written them before.
> 
> \---
> 
> Also, apologies if this seems insensitive toward virgins.

"This is bullshit." Tony’s eyes darted back and forth at his team, and then at the door as if he could get out of this ridiculous situation. Steve, the esteemed leader, had a blank face and was even standing in standard military rest post, hands behind his back and all that jazz. There was a snort from Clint who was trying desperately not to laugh. Even Bruce had a quirk of amusement to his lips.

"It is no lie," Thor said solemnly, for he was the damn instigator of the entire thing. If it wasn’t for his freaky asgardian shit, Tony wouldn’t be here. 

“Bullshit,” Tony repeated and threw his hands up in frustration.

"Only you can perform this task," Thor continued on gravely. "Your aid in this matter would be most noble and appreciated. 

"You’re just trying to pull one over me, aren’t you?" Tony said instead. Because that’s got to be it than this. Unfortunately, everyone — he maintained they were all insane from the start but Pep didn’t believe him — were going on with this charade.

“We’ll be gentle,” Natasha remarked quietly as if that was going to make Tony feel any better.

“Yeah,” Clint roared, unable to contain his laughter and snickers anymore. “Because it’s your first time, and you know what they say about—“

“Can it, Katniss,” Tony said without missing a beat. “Thor, buddy, I don’t know what to tell you, especially since you’ve been living here for the past year with me. But, uh, Tony Stark?”

He gestured to himself and then around the room where different holograms popped up courtesy of JARVIS for dramatic effect.

“Technology,” Tony pointed out. “I’m a man of science. I don’t believe in magic and I’m not going to participate in some kind of hocus pocus sacrifice.”

“It is not a sacrifice,” Thor protested. He looked way too earnest to Tony’s eyes as he went on. “And as you are a man of science, your blood shall be even more potent.”

“Thor,” Tony started because this was seriously stupid, and if he could chuck things at people he would but he promised to play nice for once.

“It’s just a tiny cut,” Steve interjected before Thor could go on. “You can’t tell me you haven’t had worse tinkering in your workshop.”

Tony twitched a little as Steve drew the imaginary cut over the palm of his hand.

“Well, excuse me, just a cut? Mr. I can heal superfast. I don’t see you raring up to volunteer your patriotic self to this cause out of some teenage goth’s dream.”

“I’m not qualified,” Steve replied back. Tony swore.

“How the fuck can you not be qualified? You’re practically medieval, living it up with the witches of Macbeth.”

“I’m Catholic,” Steve said. “And there was a mission. Also, not medieval.”

“Of course,” Tony snorted. “How convenient.”

Steve rubbed the bridge of his nose as if he wasn’t used to Tony’s antics by now and sighed.

“You are the only one of us who can do this,” he stressed. “We wouldn’t be asking you otherwise.”

“No,” Tony said. He wasn’t going to be fooled by that smile and deep innocent blue eyes that could do no wrong if asked. “No, no. Not doing this. Why not Bruce or—“

Tony paused because Natasha had shot him a scary evil glare.

“Or Clint,” Tony finished lamely.

“Tony,” Bruce said calmly. “You really are the only option.”

“For a fucking magical ritual which I don’t believe in? Tell me you don’t believe this, Brucie-bear. We’re science bros.”

“I do believe in science, but I also believe that some things cannot be explained. Anyway, you’re the only one who hasn’t shed any blood for it and thus our only virgin.”

“Wait,” Tony halted. “I’m not a virgin. Do you not see those magazines? My good looking charms and altogether handsome self? I am one hundred percent not a virgin.”

“It’s not virgin literally, Stark.” Natasha was looking a bit murderous there, and Tony edged closer to Steve. “Contrary to belief, a virgin sacrifice is someone who has never spilled their blood for a ritual or such. Their blood is pure.”

Tony spluttered because that was a load of crock.

“I’m so not pure. I’m sex, drugs – well not anymore, used to – and booze. Lots of booze.”

“Suck it up, Stark.” Natasha said sweetly. “You’re the virgin among our group for this little ritual.”

Tony reacted to this statement in the most neutral way as possible. He threw Bruce under the bus.

“I’m not the only science man in the room. Take Bruce.”

“I’ve already told you,” Bruce sighed and rolled his eyes. “You’re the only one out of all of us. I am out because on my, uh, travels, I may have accidentally did some sacrifices.”

Tony stared. “What backwater country have you been tripping through? And please? Accidentally? You’ve been hiding stuff from me.”

“Please,” Thor caught his attention. “I promise no harm shall come to you. I swear it upon Mjolnir.”

“I don’t need protection,” Tony scowled. “I just can’t—“

His mind rewinded the last of what Bruce said, and he rounded onto Steve.

“Just how the hell did you get out of this? What could Captain America possibly have done to—“

“I told you already,” Steve said. “It was a mission.”

Then he shrugged. “Monkeys.”

“Monkeys,” Tony repeated slowly.

“Monkeys,” and Tony couldn’t tell if Steve was being serious or pulling his leg.

“Just get on with it, Stark.” Barton called out. “Nat and I are out because of missions too.”

“Budapest,” Natasha supplied.

“Yeah,” Client nodded in the memory. “So, you’re it, dude.”

‘Why is this my life?” Tony grumbled. Clint clasped him on the shoulder. “No one told you to be a wallflower.”

“Barton,” Tony barked. “I will do bad things to your bow.”

“Sure,” Barton laughed. “See if you get through Nat’s traps first.”

Tony swore he would somehow.

“I shall prepare,” Thor declared.

“I didn’t agree to this!” Tony yelled because they were all leaving, presumably to help Thor. They didn’t answer him.

“I fucking hate magic.”


End file.
